


To Lose You

by alloutforthewar



Category: The X-Files
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 18:56:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5939610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alloutforthewar/pseuds/alloutforthewar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and something hit him in the gut, a sucker punch that nearly robbed him of air. Of course, he should have seen this coming.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Lose You

They lay on their backs in her bed – in her bed! together! – as their breathing and heart rates slowed to normal. Her sheets were smooth and soft against his skin, filled with the clean scent of her, and he closed his eyes as he inhaled, still processing the idea that he was even here. 

The images of her – the long line of her throat as her head arched back, the flush that crept across her breasts, the unbelievable moment when her legs had spread for him – ran through his mind on a loop, an endless film burned on his retinas. He was certain he had never been this happy. 

“Mulder.” His eyes snapped open and looked to her. She was on her side, facing him, the sheet pulled discreetly up to her armpits. Her eyes were clear and hard, and he knew, he knew that tone of voice. He rolled to face her, tracing a finger down her bare arm from shoulder to wrist, relieved when she didn’t stop him. “Mulder we need to talk about this.” He cleared his throat. 

“Ok.” It came out as a whisper, tentative and hesitant. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and something hit him in the gut, a sucker punch that nearly robbed him of air. Of course, he should have seen this coming. He was Fox Mulder, nothing he had that was worth having ever lasted long. He was used to loss, used to watching things that he loved float away, and he heard that familiar, bitter voice inside his head. She was here, but she was gone already. He shouldn’t have hoped… “You regret it,” he managed. “Already.” 

“Mulder, no.” Her answer was immediate and firm, and he closed his eyes as he exhaled, nausea pitted deep in his stomach. He felt her palm come up to cup his cheek, but he kept his eyes squeezed shut against her, against the blow he knew she was about to throw. “Mulder. Mulder, look at me.” A couple of short breaths, readying himself, and he inched his eyelids apart. Her eyes are so blue, he thought. So clear and beautiful. I don’t deserve this woman. 

“Scully,” he murmured, suddenly terrified he was going to cry. 

“I’m scared, Mulder.” He blinked, her concession of vulnerability unexpected. 

“Of what?” She sighed, her thumb tracing across his cheekbone. 

“Of this. Us. Of losing you. We can’t go back, but…” She trailed off, and Mulder swallowed. 

“Would you want to go back?” 

“No, Mulder. I said I don’t regret it. I don’t. But this… This gives us so many new ways to hurt one another. To lose one another.” 

Oh, Scully, he thought. How do I make you see?

“It gives us more ways to hurt each other, yes. But if I had lost you yesterday, it would’ve killed me just the same as if I lost you now. Scully, I… You’re a part of me. Sex or no sex, losing you would have meant the end for me. That’s been true for years. This,” he gestured between them, “does not give me a new way to lose you.”


End file.
